Saints Row: The Third Review (PS3)

Possibly the most ridiculous terrorism simulator around

In this gaming generation of soul delving plot-lines and eye deceiving realism, it’s easy to forget a videogames’ primary function is to make sure the player is having fun. The Saints Row series has always effortlessly delivered the class clown experience that follows that basic dynamic perfectly, but has always been cast into the shadow of the almighty Grand Theft Auto. Sick of the shunning but too arrogant to change, in strides Saints Row: The Third, determined to shove a firework up its rival’s backside to get some much needed spotlight. Saints Row: The ThirdAfter the takeover of Stilwater, the Third Street Saints have gone from flamboyant crime lords to a house hold name. Their brand is practically emblazoned on the moon, and it’s not surprising that some undesirables want a piece of that glamorous yet ill-baked pie. Criminal organisation ‘The Syndicate’ have laid their eyes on the Saints’ corporate fortune, and offered to take a majority of their profits in exchange for keeping their heads on their necks. Never ones to share, especially when threatened, the Saints decide to up sticks and show the Syndicate that organised crime isn’t about cowardly threats and lazy greed, but about driving tanks through armies, launching squids at civilians faces and drive-by shootings perfectly orchestrated to ‘Holding Out for a Hero’. Saints Row: The Third really gives you absolutely no option but to jump head first into the mayhem, and if the ridiculously OTT opening segments of the game don’t scream that in your face, then I’m not sure anything will. Not even 10 minutes in, I was required to invade a military bunker and nick a portable computer that let me launch air to ground missiles on the onslaught of heavily armed forces attempting to stop me. It feels like you’ve been rewarded for simply inserting the disc, and that’s not the best it has to offer. With every mission completed, you earn the Saints’ equivalent of EXP; ‘Respect’, and this unlocks a multitude of goodies, from ultra-futuristic jet fighters to Tron-like plasma cannons. With each passing mission, you think your arsenal can’t get any better, yet Saints Row:The Third dangles more and more tantalising psychopathic prizes in front of your nose that you’d be a peace loving fool to say no to. Once you’ve set up home/neon purple brothel bunker in Steelport, the city becomes littered with mayhem induced activities, and taking part in them showers you with benefits. As well as allowing you to dominate a section of the city after completion, they also give you an excuse to wreck the streets with the most ridiculous equipment on offer. The most tactical event forces you to drive around the city recruiting ‘hos’ and dropping them back off to safety. That’s the brains of your extra-curricular criminality. Otherwise, you’re set to pile up car debris in helicopters, armed forces in tanks and corpses in Japanese style murder game shows. Taking ownership of Steelport couldn’t possibly be more fun, and make you wonder why Risk hasn’t adopted such brilliantly fun activities.

Saints Row: The Third is your after hours key to a adult theme-park

Many games nowadays don’t deliver on their ‘Be who you want to be’ customisation promises. Saints Row: The Third excels expectations should you be writing Mighty Boosh fan-fiction. I walked the streets as an obese cockney detective, dual pistol blasting everywhere I looked. Of course, I could’ve been so much more. I take a glimpse online and see chrome vixens, creepy teddy bears with heavy Russian dialect and pretty basic looking inhabitants…that speak fluent zombie. If you’re too unimaginative to try and create a unique clown of your own, you can hook up online, steal some ideas from a co-op partner or downright plagiarise and upload their character yourself to play as. You can even alter perfection mid game by getting some plastic surgery and changing your sex/sexual feature size/wart distribution as you like. Maybe the streams of whores occupying the streets will divert your attention from what else Steelport has to offer for the eye…but…not me. There’s no major visual faux pas, but it’s clear that the city is a neon wonderland that should be explored by air. Take a helicopter and you see the bright lights, glitzy advertising and towering structures beam their presences across the city. Take a car, however, and you can’t help but feel massacring civilians would add some colour to the streets. Steelport really does lack in major landmarks, and just feels like a series of crossroads and junctions after a few hours of exploring. Gangs don’t truly make their mark in the islands they occupy, and altogether the place just feels rather soulless. Still, more excuse to wreck it. Saints Row: The ThirdWith all the brainless destruction going on around you, it’s clear that plot takes something of a back seat here. Most of the set-ups are just excuses to don your hardware and mow members of authority and criminal organisations down, and whilst there are a few awesome and often hilarious set pieces to blast through, it all comes to running and gunning your way through the narrative. Taking the fight online with a co-op buddy is also fun, but the main missions just become way to easy with a pal. These scripted performances aren’t necessarily bad, they just don’t quite match up to the improvised terrors you can create for yourself. Another thing that dulls the shine of your rampages are the glitches that haunt Steelport. Missions and activities run smoothly, it’s when you act the tourist and free-roam the streets that the more mysterious elements of the city rear their ugly heads. From my experience on the streets, cars have simply disappeared into thin air, once when I was in one, foiling potential hijackings and jumping in a helicopter would occasionally Velcro the blades to walls in physics I can’t possibly explain. The games silly demeanour means these strange hiccups don’t leave you fuming, but that doesn’t stop them from being peculiar hindrances. Saints Row: The ThirdThere are tons more things to do after you complete the story, from those havoc inducing mini-games mentioned earlier to small challenges to accomplish. They’re all exceptionally fun to do, but the unique aspects shoved into Saints Row: The Third really make the game shine when you divert from the script and start improvising your own hi-jinks. It revitalises that juvenile need to kick up that 5 star wanted rating you used to strive for in GTA, that ambition to survive for as long as you can with armies of authority and scum on your tail. It’s just this time, you have one hell of a fighting chance. Saints Row: The Third certainly isn’t the smoothest or narratively fulfilling experience you’ll behold, but it couldn’t give a crap. Hell, I hope you can see the positive score at the top as its probably gunged the positive numbers in guts. It doesn’t care what you think of it, should you cross your arms and pout at its vulgar sense of humour, it’ll apologise by gi
ving you a tank. With a vast array of explosive equipment to delve into, ridiculous vehicles to hijack and tonnes of things to do,Saints Row: The Third is your after hours key to a adult theme-park that’ll amuse just about anyone whom still laughs at the number 69 or solves every problem by whacking it with a 20-inch sex toy.

The Good: Tons and tons and tons of deadly gadgets to unlock, Loads of challenges to complete, Hilarious juvenile humour, Extensive character/clown customisation
The Bad: Strange almost paranormal glitches, Missions are too easy with two players, City lacks a vibrant design seen in most other open world games


Saints Row: The Third Saints Row: The Third Saints Row: The Third Saints Row: The Third Saints Row: The Third 


Silver Y AwardSilver Y Award
4 4 / 5

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