The Jeremy Kyle Game Review (WIIU)

At the end of the day…this should’ve stayed backstage

Since the release of the Wii, Nintendo has found it incredibly hard to shake its family friendly image. If adverts are to go by, it has gelled together countless families, made the elderly no longer fear ‘the machine’, and it’s even distracted the members of One Direction from turning on each other in the inevitable realisation that one of them is the T-1000 who has come for the remaining four. The Wii-U has attempted to stray away from such cosy Brady Bunch imagery with more hard hitting titles, not realising that the answer to such marketing issues were closer to home than previously thought. Enter The Jeremy Kyle Game, a decimation of both innocence and taste. A re-imagining of the inexplicably popular show, The Jeremy Kyle Game isn’t a peculiar argument simulator, but rather a Super Smash Bros. beat-’em-up rip off. By taking on the role of an unlucky in life semi-humanoid shamble, you can pit your voicebox against others in a bid to resolve just who has been cheating on who. If your household is crumbling due to matters of social discrepancies but have too much dignity to head onto national TV to resolve them, this may sound like the perfect solution to your problems. It’s not. Looking at the principles of The Jeremy Kyle Game, it’s hard to see whether or not the developers have done their research into the fighting game genre or not. Focusing more on the narrative of characters rather than the simple joy of fighting, you can pick from 30 unlucky participants harbouring their own personal dramas in a bid to see who’s the loudest. Players can mix and match this estate entourage and no matter what issue they came on the show with, the game brags that the narrative will adapt to create a scenario fit enough for an on stage dispute between opponents. No matter what mix up you choose, the game does sort of match fights up well in this sense, but never really delves into backstories of said participants. The story mode consists of one match, and once their victory chant has been beckoned as a swift glimpse into their future, the credits roll and the characters are shuffled out, just waiting for another match to begin…if you particularly care. Sticking to its guns on resolving matters without violence, disgruntled humanoids don’t thwack each other for custody of screaming sprogs. Instead, each fighter has conventional kick and punch moves replaced with ‘shout’ powers, ranging from light cowardly whispers to full on, completely bleeped out sweary hurricanes. The only way to build up these truly massacring powers is to continuously hit others with low shouts consisting of apologies and rebuttals, before striking players off the stage with bleeps and lie detector chants. Unfortunately, whilst a broad character roster insinuates a broad implementation of combat mechanics, moves change in absolutely no regard no matter what character is picked. You can’t build up awesome looking combos in a bid to show off just how awesomely you can decimate your opposition. You can’t gain any satisfaction from juggling four practically indistinguishable yells. Battles just become never-ending bellowing matches.

You’re more likely to punch a proposed love one in the face due to somewhat skewiff design

Every mundane testosterone fuelled conflict seems to be governed by one man, and that is Kyle himself. Whilst his face graces the title screen silently mocking every decision you make in each menu, he never actually takes part in any battles. His abstinence from violence means that his presence is only featured through a haunting voiceover booming over proceedings. This is where perhaps the neatest idea of a relatively bad (and somewhat absurd) bunch bustles in with the Wii-U Pad integration. As family members battle it out for studio supremacy, someone can take up the second screen to watch a version of the fight through a recreation of the traditional shows’ format. In a slightly more passive role, they literally act as the audience to proceedings, and can kind of become a morale boost to the Jeremy A.I. By cheering and jeering with the optional microphone, onlookers can boost pretty much every stat in Jezza’s vocabulary. Depending on your fighter’s backstory, he can use lie detectors, drug test results or just flat out ego crushing bullying to belligerently pick on one player over others. Of course, this leads to the inevitable issue of terrible unfairness. The lack of character move lists means balancing isn’t necessarily a problem, but as soon as one player with a mic extradites copious amounts of guilt on your fighter you soon feel as hated as Hitler. The only thing more frustrating than adding to the cacophony of cries coming from the screen is having someone shout against your every move straight into your ear. It’s also one of the leading excuses for genocide. In a bid to disguise itself from its family tearing counterpart, The Jeremy Kyle Game includes no online multiplayer in a bid to force some couch based fighting and therefore bonding. Ironically, in its bid to distance itself with the shows’ underlying hatred, you’re more likely to punch a proposed love one in the face due to somewhat skewiff design. With no Jezza input and a real lack of feedback of each strike administered, feuds frequently look like a group of tourettes harbouring fish flopping around on dry land. With him, fights become vying bouts of favouritism between players, with the audiences constant input shifting the battlefield in incredibly unjust fashion, to the point where you will be forced to grovel for a week before playing the game in a bid to tip odds in your favour, and it’s not fun when you’re on the other end of his (or a pals) constant hot-headed complaints. It’s true that the show has rather inexplicably grown a large fanbase, and the developers attempt to do said show “justice” through…aesthetics. The fairly plain set has been recreated fairly well, with chairs and floors looking like they’ve been taken straight from the show itself. Thing is, that’s the only stage available, and with the one overbearing theme tune blaring on a constant loop to each and every fight, it’s as if you’ve stumbled into a weird form of limbo. One inhabited exclusively by banshees and 80’s electro-funk tribute bands. Once you’ve played one match of The Jeremy Kyle Game, you’ve pretty much played the lot. It may brag a series of character stories for you to uncover, but once you’ve fought through one, you’ve fought through them all. If you’re a fan of the show or simply buying this for bargain bin thrills, your reaction a few minutes in will be the same. Your brain will numb, your eyes will stare at loved ones as the slither of creditable names scroll by and you’ll wonder why you haven’t switched over yet.