Film/game tie-ins have been all the rage for ages now, except thanks to shoddy workmanship and constricting schedules to release both alongside each other, that rage is usually directed against the bloody things. For me, the small screen holds so much more nostalgia and likeability than a sticky colloseum of Hollywood, attracting hundreds of the most inattentive viewers from miles around. Surely with telly festering in our minds beyond the watercooler, there should be more of a homage to the hours of entertainment its deployed into our square eyes. So, to whoever controls the airwaves nowadays, put down your remotes and listen to some ideas that may translate well onto the controller (and some which would optimistically work as Facebook apps).
The Crystal Maze
Anyone alive in the early nineties is registered as a Crystal Maze fan on the UK’s Couch Potato register, but the legion of forgotten fanatics will only ever be able to live off an IV of satellite telly repeats in order to still get their fix of the eclectic game show. Its cancellation to make way for more reality programmes centred around the middle aged and pompous house hunting in Spain, wasting an hour before realising that their mansion back home was better for them as it was closer to Morrison’s didn’t cause enough of an uproar, yet it was clear we lost a national treasure. Bring it back in this day and age however, and the environmentally confused dream world of a playground would be coated in bubble wrap and yellow tape thanks to health and safety protocols. Besides, harmonica wielding legend Richard O’Brien is nearing his 70’s now, and couldn’t catch up with contestants darting indecisively from one challenge to the other. There have been several iterations of the show on all the Apple platforms, but these only focus on accuracy and dexterity. I’m talking a proper console game, one which can delve into the realms of all four zones with the same wonder that the show could produce to kids and adults alike. Something which extends from tapping a screen with Wotsit dusted fingers. A dedicated team based party title where all corners of game show dexterities are put to the test (Or more specifically, the fields of ‘Physical’, ‘Mental’, ‘Skill’ and ‘Mystery’ talents). Chuck in the voice of Richard O’Brien, a heap of classic physical challenges and new mental puzzles and the ‘Industrial’ zone as a secret unlockable world and we could have a third party hit for the Wii that’s actually generally likeable.
Ashes To Ashes
The awesome 2008/1981/…2008 cop drama hit British screens with gritty gusto, landmark characters and enthralling storyline combining seedy crimes with a comatose twist. Shot in 2008 and transported back into the 80’s, DI Alex Drake fought her way through three series trying to find a reason for her sudden misplacement, all the while trying to find a way back. Last year, the psychotic case of the accidental time travelling cop that spawned from the great Life On Mars finally came to a close, marking the end of a chronicle of questionable policing and psychological trauma. Despite the protagonists ordeals of quite literally being in the wrong time and place, it was the morally challenged, banterish and overbearing behaviour of DCI Gene Hunt shone through like a gritty star. Despite Ashes To Ashes closing up shop and tying up all loose ends, the true motives behind Gene Hunt’s existence could easily provoke a delving into. Each series is set a year after the previous, which leaves plenty of room for new menaces to creep into 80’s London and fighting said evils as the ultimate bad cop of two separate decades would be incredibly satisfying. Offer up a seedy open city for him to trash for the greater good, some trademark one-liner worthy set pieces and a mystery that embodies Gene as well as it has done the time travelling duo, then it could be an awesome and darker rival to GTA. Sure, you couldn’t steal cars, but you’d be fighting crime in a Quattro. Do you really need anything else?
Dallas
C’mon, with the massive bunch of weird simulators and tycoon experiences available, surely there’s room for wannabe oil barrons to live their dream whilst flicking V signals towards family members. Part Insert material here Tycoon, part The Sims, players would have to look after the Ewing’s oil business only to come home and find their brother flaking away dead in the swimming pool. If publicity isn’t juggled well enough to make you look half decent, the whole family reputation takes one hit it perhaps quite handle. The bizarre drama could create a zany enough sim to at least encourage some new players onto the economic battlefield. Hell, if the now corny looking drama can’t detract from the copious amounts of oil pooling you’ll be doing, the writers can always dismiss it all with a dream sequence.
Peep Show
The cataclysmic calamities of Kent’s most dysfunctional duo have been mirroring our own pathetic efforts in the trials of life for years now, yet recently the doormat antics of Mark Corrigan have began to drain all faith in the character. Though his wannabe upper-class one liners spark off hilarity, he’d be the first one in war time Britain to volunteer to push his weight by offering his hand as toilet paper. With the burdening bad luck crushing his back and moral indecisiveness conflicting with all his well wishes, surely it’s about time that he snapped. Introduce an arcade hit of an on-rails shooter, where Corrigan goes on a rampage through suburbia, raiding Waitrose’s to gain edible ammo to chuck at chavs, middle management, and his soul crushing arch-enemies cropping up as boss characters. Dim witted housemate Jeremy can simply be in on the chaotic action for the hell of it, and conveniently crop up as player 2. If the slightly more juvenile coat of paint to a standard on-rails shooter doesn’t win people over, then the sharp wit of the sitcom will encourage just a few more �1 coins to find their way in.
The Apprentice
Each year, the Job Centre gives up a select few of its most annoying and persistent clients to the BBC in order to win a 1 month contract appearing in OK!, standing next to Alan Sugar so he knows what it feels like to be a popular conjoined twin. The folks in the US have it worse, they get a job with a six figure salary working under Donald Trump, a man with a cat’s anus for a mouth. Surprisingly, there’s a long line of rejected hopefuls left hung out to dry with their CV’s, and it seems a shame to waste these talented undesirables by dumping them in a 9 to 5 job to stuff their soulless carcases with business buzzwords they can cluck to each other till life loses all meaning. How can these buzzing entities of enterprise spend their down time with such busy minds? Perhaps by logging onto ‘The Apprentice MMORPG’. Players can start off as a bottom feeding chump and work their way up the co-orporate ladder through recession busting mini-games and tactical advertising in attempts to coat cyber representations of the worlds biggest cities in their company names. EXP is awarded to those who make shrewd business moves and invent products which will bring about ‘Renaissance 2.0’, and the typical duds are highlighted with their ridiculous annotations and broadcast for spectators to see. A mass arena for the pretentious to try and outdo each other with backwards microwaves and jet pack hooves is a electronic means of natural selection in the world of entrepreneurship. Maybe a prize can consist of becoming an apprentice apprentice, perhaps trimming the hairs off of Alan Sugar’s beard to create silver linings of clouds for us poor peasants to glimpse at. That’s how the big cats work, right…?
Doctor Who
A time travelling adventure where the gameplay circles around Tom Trumps? Some charm hungry point ‘n’ click wannabe adventures not quite doing one of the greatest sci-fi franchises of our time any justice? Who’d have thunk it. It’s surprising the Time Lord hasn’t had a half decent game to his name, yet even more surprising that it’s a franchise that hasn’t been cradled by the ever popular ‘Lego’ games. There’s enough characters to go around, hell the Doctor himself can be comprised of eleven blocky personas. The offbeat humour and universally applauded drama would go hand in hand with Traveller’s Tales classic plastic parodies.