Space Giraffe Review (360, XBLA)

Who WOULDN’T like a game about a kickass Giraffe!?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely open to new things in terms of gaming. Anything which has the guts to tear itself away from most of the releases containing huge guns and lead characters so butch you’d think they ate a cow for breakfast every morning should be applauded. Even if they don’t work as well as planned, I still pat them on the back and send them home. However, when a game decides to make itself so original, funky and wacky that it soon considers even itself to be a joke, that’s when I get a tad annoyed and have strange dreams about feeding the developer(s) to a bunch of rabid toddlers. So here it is, Space Giraffe, a great big ball of fatty deposits blocking up the otherwise healthy if sometimes mediocre Xbox Live Arcade heart. Before I throw an onslaught of criticism and sarcastic comments, I’d like to say that this game will appeal to a target audience. A target audience populated by individuals who live off of nothing but Class A drugs and need a game that replicates the goings on in Pete Docherty’s head to lull them into a hypnotic trance that’ll eventually lead them to jitter and quake in fear before finally falling asleep using a discarded pizza box as a cushion. It’s hard to look at a screenshot of Space Giraffe and not think you’re trapped in the opening sequence of Doctor Who. In fact it’s hard to look at a screenshot of Space Giraffe, period. The game is a basic shooter that replicates something of a

It’s so ridiculously hard to explain

3D Space Invaders without the protection. Your ship is stuck to some form of barely visible track and enemies will approach you…and so on. It tries to add original concepts in the means of power-ups which move you backward a little bit and enemies which are lines slowly extending towards your ship, but if that excites you, you’ve probably spent the past 20 years watching dust settle. None of this will matter, though, as you’ll barely be able to see who you are or what you’re shooting as you’re surrounded by waves upon waves of ‘psychedelic’ colours. It’s so ridiculously hard to explain, but needless to say, they mess up the game play and don’t even look that good. If you’re planning on downloading something for 400 Microsoft points, you know the graphics aren’t going to be dazzling, but they can at least make it clear to see what you are doing on the screen. Space Giraffe is also an abuse on the ears. Sound effects consist of nothing but sheep making ‘baa’ sounds for some peculiar reason and sharp ringing noises whenever you die. Coupled with a single musical track that repeats itself each minute and you’ve got a recipe for madness. The game can’t even take itself seriously. It constantly tries to inject humour into its veins, yet misses completely and manages to inject it straight into your eyes, which probably explains the atrocity you have to witness. I can sit here and moan all I like though, the creator sums this game up with one well known phrase; “It’s like Marmite, you either love it or you hate it”, and I guess that this is true. Except in this case, the Marmite is spread on the beard of a homeless man and anyone who loves that should probably seek help very soon.