Thor: God Of Thunder Review (PS3)

More like God Of Blunder…(seriously, that’s the funniest you’re going to get. This game almost killed my soul)

Ladies and gentleman, we have a YARS record holder! Usually when us editors receive offers to pluck a game from a publisher for review, we jump straight up at the chance to grab the latest releases. However, as I raced to lay claim to this title, I realised no one else had even bothered to show any interest and had actually turned it down, looking before leaping into the landfill of corpses and nappies that is this game. It was at this moment I realised my companions had successfully dodged a barbed wire bullet headed straight for my face, and I really do not blame them. Please welcome Thor: God Of Thunder, a game that can’t even shift for free.

There is no metaphor strong enough or turd bad enough to compare this game too

Thor:God Of Thunder is a prequel of sorts that steers clear of the plotline from this summer’s apparent summer blockbuster, where Asgard is under attack and Thor must travel through other places with long winded names to save it and other realms. You won’t care. The plot is too cookie cutter, the twists are as predictable and about as pleasant as a menstrual cycle, and the characters are less likeable than a group of Hitler’s finest. Thor causes pretty much half the problems in the game just because he’s exceptionally thick, as if his brain has been replaced by a fly trying to escape his skull. You hate yourself for having to play him. You’re not there to be entertained. You’re there to clean up after the brash, arrogant, dumb, brutish pillock after everything he screws up. Most janitors don’t like being paid for their jobs, so why should you pay to act as one for this wazzock?

Thor: God Of ThunderThe story isn’t enough to get you through barely half an hour, and the likelihood is anyone will be deterred as soon as they flick their console on. Characters look alright, and there’s some good design on your enemies, but environments just haven’t been rendered to even a last-gen effort. Clumps of pixels littered locations, and even when standing next to the cubed messes, it took a fair amount of detective work to realise they were just boulders. It’s as if the shoddy workmanship in everyday objects is meant to heighten the curiosity of these otherwise bland and inanimate doodads, but just shine as terrible excuses in laziness.

The back of the box tries to shine, promising voice work from ‘Chris Hemsworth as Thor and Tom Hiddleston as Loki’, but you know something is askew when a game brings out its big guns in the blurbs rear end. It doesn’t matter if you bring in the “professional” actors from the film to cover the voiceover bases, that isn’t a golden ticket and a free pass for criticism. Thor’s performance is so stilted that he sounds like he’s about to cry, and his face is so simple that he constantly looks like he’s just found out Punch & Judy were puppets.

Most importantly however, amongst the dumpster of shattered pixels, the game is just in no way fun to play. It plays just like you’re average brawler, with hoardes of enemies attempting to dog pile you from all angles. Yet Thor takes the standard hack ‘n’ slash checklist that ensures an average, yet at least enjoyable title, and clogs in down the throat of an orphan until that poor parentless kid eventually vomits it out. Attacks don’t link properly, hits on enemies sometimes don’t register, there’s no evade or lock on mechanisms, your magic skills are on the same button that end combos and so you will do incorrect moves all by the games fault. I don’t know how such errors have not wormed their way in, but struck this game like a meteor the way they have done. I don’t know how basic advancements in combat over the years haven’t made their way in.

Thor: God Of ThunderThere is no metaphor strong enough or turd bad enough to compare this game too. It’s been a mission to get too this point . Only 45 minutes in, I could feel my heart clenching and wrinkles form under my eyes. These were only slight changes in my body, but enough for me to notice and focus less on desecrating the square button for the umptinth time. It was then I began to realise that my brain was focusing more on the effects of ageing than Thor to give me something a tad more entertaining to reflect upon . I have never been that bored in my life, and although emphasising my gradual death was a bit distressing, it was about 60% more fun than Thor:God Of Thunder.

We all know there is a long winded tradition of film/game tie-ins sucking, but I’ve given the benefit of the doubt to some titles in recent years. There have been some fairly brave, just not good attempts at breaking this curse what with games like Wanted: Weapons Of Fate. Thor:God Of Thunder has destroyed absolutely any chance of game/film tie-ins gaining any respect for the next 5 years. Hell, a crudely fan made Fawlty Towers simulator will be more welcome than anything film related thanks to this. Monks no longer stand in place waiting for their bare feet to make imprints on solid wood, anymore. They just fire up Thor: God Of Thunder as the ultimate test of patience. There is nothing good about it. Crap graphics. Crap gameplay. Crap everything. These can’t be made for publicities sake, because it has put me right off seeing the film. We’ve all made mistakes in our life-time, and one of mine was playing Thor:God Of Thunder. Please don’t let it be one of yours.

(I feel I should apologise to Ben, but thems the breaks mate!! Daverage)

The Good: Short
The Bad: More glitches than pixels, Delays between pressing buttons and on screen actions…for EVERY action, Disgusting graphics, Stilted voice acting


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Stinker Y AwardStinker Award!
1 1 / 5

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